The Desire to Be

Sometime a desire to be someone else creeps in.

Slowly. It is subtle.

So subtle that it gets away with it for a while. It tricks me into dissatisfaction.

Its a form of dysmorphia. It makes me want to exit my life and get a new one. It makes me want to give up. To quit. To admit defeat. To throw my hands up at my commitments and walk into some other life somewhere else.

It says. This isn’t want you dreamt of. You dreamt of something else. Something more magical. Something more easeful. Something less stressful. Something with more recognition and rewards. Something with more of the spiritual and less of the mundane.

I am someone who wears many hats easily. With little effort, I am capable of almost any endeavor. Not only that, with moderate focus, I am good at most things.

I am not bragging when I say this. Having things come to me relatively easily has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because when I try something new, I quickly excel beyond mediocre. A curse, because I get bored easily and have a hard time seeing anything through, and because, I will never be the best at any one thing.

It may be rich coming from someone who is good at most things she tries, to be complaining. It’s true, I have very little, objectively, to complain about. I’m good at being a lawyer without having to work painstakingly hard at it, and it brings in a good income. My basic needs are easily met.

Don’t get me wrong. I do often work hard. Sometimes I work long hours. Sometimes the task at hand requires me to apply myself at least 70%, 80% or 90%. Occasionally, my job maxes me out and I have no juice left when I get home. But, often, I’m able to get the job done, well, with brain power and energy to spare.

This means that I have energy for other projects - like working on the novel I started a few years ago, and the self help book, too, or tending to a small acreage and hobby farm, and growing a garden big enough to feed a family of five, despite its just me and my partner, and the only child we have is a German Shepherd named Nikita. So far, we haven’t been able to convince her to eat veggies.

Why do I sound like I’m complaining, you ask. (Good question.)

I’m not, but, I am.

Let me explain.

Have you heard the saying, Jack of all trades, master of none?

Well, that might be me, to a T.

I can bake reasonably well, and, because there is no professional in my neighbourhood, I am the go-to baker. For example, I recently made over 300 dainties for a friend’s funeral.

I can start and tend to a fire, and, so long as there is no real girl (or boy) scout, or a pyro, in the circle, I will be the go-to fire marshal. I can cook hearty home cooked dishes, and follow a recipe well, and, so long as there is no chef in the vicinity, everyone will look to me to make the meal.

I can garden, and, so long as there is no true green thumb, thumbing around (HA!), everyone will come to me for gardening tips and cures. I have tended to animals and crops, and despite I’m no large scale farmer, people will often ask me questions like “do pigs really eat anything” or “do cats always land on their feet” or “what kind of damage can hail do?”

I can do bookkeeping and basic accounting - having in the past done my own taxes while running multiple businesses for years - and, of course, I can do legal work.

I’m not bad at truth or dare, charades, board games, or pool on the right night. I’ve run a marathon, and many half marathons, and, though many people have asked me for running tips, I will always say I simply get my base runs in and wing it, and defer to someone who has actually dedicated themselves to the craft.

I’ve won beer chugging competitions, and keg stands. I enjoy fine wines and scotch. I’ve made and served my own cocktails. I’ve even on occasion been called the life of the party. But I’ve never done hard drugs, and, if the plan is to party for multiple days, I’m definitely not the expert.

I meditate and do yoga. I had a fairly regular ecstatic dance practice for quite a few years. I do tarot and write from my soul and connect with the divine, on a fairly regular basis. I’ve overcome an eating order, insomnia and other mental, emotional and physical health issues. I’ve trained and practiced as a life coach. I’ve created courses and spoke to lawyers and law students about overcoming stress and addictions. I’ve had people look to me for guidance. But I’ve not dedicated myself to any methodology or practice. I’m no Guru.

I could go on and on about the things I’m relatively good at - or at least ok at. For example, I play piano. I made it to Grade 10 Conservatory growing up, and competed at regionals and provincials. I figure skated at the same level. I can change the oil or a flat tire on a vehicle. Once I even changed the alternator on my car, though my dad helped me with that one.

I’ve travelled to well over 20 different countries. Many times alone. I’ve bungee jumped, Skydived and scaled a building. I’ve won a fishing derby. I’ve been a lifeguard. I’ve organized fashion shows and designed and sewed my own clothing. I know how to preserve vegetables, fruits, herbs, flowers and other elements of nature, for food, tea, medicinal purposes, and all kinds of crafts.

I’ve created a few paintings I’m proud of. I have taken pottery and woodworking and made many things, from plates, wall hangings and vases to working with a planer and lathe to create a table and footstool, and using finer tools to create my own jewellery box. Though, I wouldn't call myself a painter or a potter, and I’m definitely not a carpenter.

I practice kickboxing and can punch pretty hard despite I’m not the most coordinated. I tan fairly easily, rarely burn, and at 37 (almost 38) still look pretty good in a bikini.

I’m a poet and a writer. I’ve written two books and hundreds of blog posts over the past 10 years. I have connected to my ancestors in visceral ways, with my toes in the mud at 4 a.m. under the full moon.

Blah, blah, blah, you say.

I’m rambling on about all of my talents and accomplishments as if they are a bad thing.

They aren’t, of course. Laying them all out as I have in this post does make me feel a certain sense of pride.

Like I said, many things come fairly easily to me.

You may be annoyed by now. Or think I’m bragging.

Maybe I am, just a little. But I think that’s ok. I think we should all appreciate our own talents, and the things that make us unique.

The thing is, the thing that makes me unique is not one thing. I’m no maestro or artist. I’m no master baker or gardener. I’m no model. I’m no top tier coach. I’m no best seller. I’m not even at the top of my field as a lawyer. I’m good at all of it, and great at some of it, but I’m not number one (or even number two, five or ten) at any of it.

That’s the thing that gets me sometimes. I think - if I could only focus on one thing - I could master it. I could be the best, or at least close to the best at it. If only I didn’t get bored when I try to commit to one thing. If only I didn’t spread myself so thin. If only I didn’t branch out or quit entirely before I truly mastered something, maybe I could be known for something. Maybe I could matter.

It really does get me down sometimes.

That I’m a Jack of many trades, master of none.

I do acknowledge how much I have accomplished, and I do appreciate how much I have experienced. I do recognize that my disappointment is learned, not innate.

I am learning to re-write the story of success for myself in my own mind. It is challenging because our culture tells us that if we are not the best at something, we are a failure. Being mediocre, or even reasonably good, at many things is unremarkable - unworthy of attention, praise, recognition, or love.

I have known for some time that the journey my soul is on right now, is one of holding it all.

What I have only recently realized is how radical an act it is to not seek to be the best at one thing - to not seek to win, or to set a record, and to instead seek to allow life to expand me in all of the ways, and to encompass all of the things, that would satisfy my soul.

I admit I have tried to fit my soul’s journey into our culture’s paradigm. I find myself at times trying to be the best at holding it all. Yet this is an impossible ambition, and laughable, really, because my all, will be different than your all, and different than every other soul’s all.

There is no comparison possible on this journey I am on.

Today, I am grateful for that fact.

Today, I am grateful that I am on a journey of rewriting.

Sometimes the desire to be someone else - someone passionate about mastering one thing and being the best at it - still gets me.

But today, I am grateful that I do not need to be in competition. Today I am grateful that I get to simply show up to what my soul is craving.

A little of this.

A little more of that.

Nature. Love. Work. Play. Law. Writing. Depth. Light. Dirt. Fire. Quiet. Creation. Connection. Letting go. Grief. Joy.

Wearing all of my favourite hats, and trying a few new ones on for good measure.

Today I am grateful I can see the purpose behind my soul’s calling.

Today I am grateful for my commitment to my soul’s fulfillment above all else.

Today I am grateful I can feel the effect of re-writing our culture’s story of competition in my own life:

Peace.

Today, I desire to be no one else, but me.

xo,

D