Here I Am

It is 2:26 a.m. and I am awake.

I have tried all of the usual ways to relax myself. I have tried laying down to sleep.

Something in me is too awake, I think to myself. No, that’s not quite right.

Something in me is too alive. Yes… or, too turned on. Yes! That’s it. Like a light switch.

My body is buzzing, and not in an anxiety-filled way. Though it is similar. It is close.

I can tell that if I do not presence myself, and give this energy my attention, it will easily spill over into a full body feeling of anxiety.

So, here I am.

I am listening. Butt in the seat. Fingers on the keys.

I am here.

Here I Am.

Yes.

I can feel my body relaxing. Releasing. Grounding.

Tapping in to the energy and letting it flow out of my fingers and into this space.

I do not know what I am writing about beyond the present experience I am in. There is no strategy. No predetermined narrative. No searching for words and trying to make it fit.

I spend all day writing those kinds of words in my work. Each one carefully chosen. Written and re-written. Strategy upon strategy. Sentences stream out one minute and are deleted the next to be replaced by a better way of saying the thing, or a better strategy, or sometimes, nothing. A pre-determined outcome guiding the whole process so that it is more like a stop and start, than a flow.

It is an art that form of writing, but it is not free.

I have been longing for the kind of expression that is free.

This kind.

This sitting on a chair and letting the energy direct the flow of my words.

This letting my heart speak.

This letting my soul voice shine through.

I will not perfect this piece for you. I will not ensure my sentences are complete. I will not police my own grammar. I will not because this writing is for me.

This is my soul’s expression right now.

Claiming this space in this way again scares me. It has been a while since I have allowed myself this.

It has been a while since I have let my soul speak.

It is less of an ecstatic experience than it has been in the past. Slower. More grounded. Present.

Perhaps, this slowing down is because I am older now. I have experienced more, and I know the courage it takes to write without strategy and rules.

Perhaps, it is because it has been a long road to get here and I am still weary of moving forward in this way.

Or perhaps, I have finally busted through the last hold on my wall of resistance, and I find myself on the other side, in an exhausted surrender, following a new soul impulse that is both setting me free and keeping me safe.

xo,

Danielle