Thoughts on Divine Creation and Living a Beautiful Life
Words build up in me.
If I do not journal for a day or two; if I do not publish anything for a month or two: I literally begin to swell up. It is subtle. Maybe not even visible. But I can feel it. Like water dammed up in a river my body becomes an unnatural lake. The words swirl and churn and angrily press against my insides as they look for a way out.
When I finally do give myself permission to put pen to page, they all flow out. Often beginning with a mighty rush and some emotion. As I write my physical body calms. My heart slows. The nausea fades. The swelling goes down.
This is how I know I am a writer. This is how I know, I must write.
There is no other release quite like writing. Ecstatic. Orgasmic. Healing. Cleansing. Generative. Clarifying. Electrifying. Joyful. Transcendent.
Writing takes many faces for me. Some easier to face than others. Often seducing me into worlds I dared not venture to alone. Always emptying me out of what is no longer mine to hold.
Writing is my liberation.
My most intimate times with my pen and blank paper have been in the aftermath of some kind of destruction. Some heartbreak. Some loss. Some massive change of course. Writing takes me into my pain and transforms it into nuggets of palatable wisdom for me to hold. It humbles me. It holds me. It gives me faith and courage to go on.
Writing has also introduced me to what I can only describe as the ecstasy of being alive. An experience of merging with the divine. It is a form of lovemaking this kind of creation. Paralleled only by the heart and soul connected union between two lovers.
I remember writing my first book late 2015. Walking down the sidewalk unable to contain the creative energy within me. Allowing it to burst forth into the notepad on my phone. Sending myself emails of creative writing to insert into the manuscript as soon as I got to my computer. Spending full days of unbroken concentration in flow in front of my computer. Writing. Writing. Writing. It was pure bliss. I long for that sensation. The beauty of surrendering my hand to the divine. Allowing the words to move through me and out onto the page even before my conscious mind could understand what was being written. Thought follows inspiration. Inspiration is divine.
It was truly a gift. An experience of myself as one with Life. A true partner in creation.
Yet as much beauty and healing as it brings into my life, my relationship with writing also has a dark side. In the past when I have allowed myself to really get into my writing; when I have truly surrendered; when I have met my muse in that magickal place between worlds: I have lost my sense of myself. It has been all consuming. I have allowed the ground to be swept out from under me. Sustained only by the ecstasy of creation I have allowed my foundation to fall away: my health, my friends, my romantic partners, my financial stability, and even my home. I have let the feeling engulf my sense of reason. I have crashed hard as a result.
Like a bad romance (or an addiction) eventually the highs stop outweighing the lows, and either you have to amp up the volume on the upswing (and eventually crash harder) or get out. I crashed one to many times and got out(ish).
For almost four years now I have been only allowing myself my writing in small doses. Enough to maintain my sanity, and serve my own healing journey, with an indulgence in the bliss here and there. I have been practicing allowing myself the pleasure without losing my ground.
It has not been easy. To be honest, cultivating the patience and faith to slowly and responsibly approach the divine in my creations, having tasted ecstasy, has been one of the most challenging things I have done.
It has been a humbling experience walking slowly back towards the divine. Seeking her out as a true partner in creation this time, not looking to the divine as something better than me up on a pedestal. Knowing my own worth and that what I bring to the partnership is equally valuable, equally necessary. Creation can only take form through matter. I am needed to bring divine creation into the world.
And therefore, so are all of the things that sustain me and nourish me. My health, my relationships, my financial stability, my home, and my community. All are essential and beautiful parts of my life. All are needed in order for me to create sustainably.
Remembering our value allows us to create sustainably in partnership with the divine. Just as remembering of our own value in romantic relationship allows partnership to blossom there too.
Here I am 182 days (6 months) in to my 300 Days of Soul challenge. I can say the first 6 months have been grueling. Filled with inner work. Healing. Releasing. Dreaming. Planning. Creating space for creation to occur.
I stand here now and declare: I am ready to begin to allow new creations to emerge.
One bold and responsible step at time.
I am here to show up to the partnership. I am not looking to fill a void. I will not ask for the divine to save me this time. I now know myself as capable and worthy of creating the life of my dreams. In many ways I already have. I am ready to do this sustainably because my life is already filled with dreams come true and too much beauty to destroy.
There is nothing “wrong” or “bad” with my life. I love it all. My health, my home, my city, my friendships and of course my romantic partnership that just keeps getting better. I even love my legal work which I am leaving (at least this in this form, for now).
I am on the cusp of creating the extraordinary in my work by moving into work that is more in alignment with my philosophy for life, and by bringing in deeper partnership with the divine.
Can an already beautiful life become more beautiful?
That is the question I sit with as I move forward into this next stage of creation full of gratitude for the healing months behind me, and feeling blessed to have those who love me standing beside me.
Can an already beautiful life become more beautiful?
Only if You say it can.
Photo Credit: Megan Alcock (http://meganalcockphotographer.com/)