Thoughts on Resistance, Breaking Through and the Magick of Mediocre Pizza
It feels like forever since I have written or shared with you all. As if I entered a time warp early April and a year passed for me despite that its only been about 60 days.
I have so much to share. I just haven’t been ready. So here is the ‘Cole’s Notes’ for this post, in case you want to skip ahead and read only the parts that call to you: 1) why sharing your Soul Journey is an act of resistance; 2) F***ING BREAKING THROUGH; and, 3) the Magick of Mediocre Pizza.
Sharing Your Soul Journey is an Act of Resistance
I’ve been doing some reflection lately on why it is I write these posts. Why do I share the deepest thread of my journey when it’s often messy, and riddled with wild bursts of inspiration and equally wild bouts of self-doubt? Why do I share with you the process of my transformation, instead of just sharing the end results? Successes, inspiring wins, and magic formulas get way more likes than indecision, grief, and excited sharing (and correcting course). So why share these things at all?
My thoughts took me back to when I started this blog six years ago (early 2013). My purpose then was twofold: personal healing; and inspiring others.
First and foremost, I write this blog for me. Writing about my journey of self discovery and sharing it with others is the greatest tool for healing I have yet to discover (which is why I founded Write Your Soul Story for you, in case you haven’t figured that out 😊).
I also realised very early on that in our culture where super human perfection is revered, sharing my perceived flaws and the messiness of my journey (humanity) with others, provided both healing and inspiration to those who read it. And so, I share both my messiness and my wins with you because I want you to know it is not only OKAY to be human, it is NECESSARY. The only way to grow and heal, and be liberated to do something meaningful with our lives is to allow ourselves to be willing to hold it all. We must be willing to embrace all of our humanity and our divinity, messiness and wildness included. I want you to know its ok to be exactly who you are and where you are at.
It is ok to not be perfect.
That takes me to the third reason I continue to write this blog: it is an act of resistance. Sharing the messiness of our humanity from an empowered place is an act of resistance in a culture that values only perfection. It is an act of resistance in service of a wider revolution that is beginning to take hold. A revolution of self-love. An allowance of all of who we are. A returning to a deep trust in humanity, and the intelligence of the life force that flows through us (and all life). And that is a revolution that I definitely want to be a part of.
So share not only your wins, but your messiness friends. May the resistance continue.
F***ING BREAKING THROUGH
123 days in to my 300 Days of Soul.
I have been doing some deep healing of the wounds around making money from creative work; around standing in my truth and being seen. It has not been easy. I am shedding at a deeper level the identity of suffering that has kept me silently bound up in a bed of thorns. I have fought my way free, but I am sore from the battle. I am still tending to the last of my wounds.
Becoming someone who speaks confidently into the world what she wants, and stands unwavering her ground, while still being connected to her heart and the impact she is creating, is deep work for me. I am healing wounding and rewriting patterns of suppression that have held back my lineage for generations.
I have at times felt absolute terror running through my body. I have wanted to cave. I have wanted to quit. I have wanted to run. I have wanted to retreat and give in. I have wanted to do anything and everything but stand my ground. I haven’t done any of those things but it has taken all of my strength not to. For a couple of weeks fear gripped me and I was unable to move forward with my vision. My mind and body stopped processing properly on many levels. I was literally getting sick.
I continued to trust because I know I am doing deep healing work, and I know the rewards are always worth it. My daily spiritual practices and my regular free writing helped to keep me sane. My relationship with my partner Jason, which is only getting stronger, and which reminds me every day of the power of believing in your dreams even when you are going through hell and back, has helped me keep my faith in my dreams for my work in the world.
Ultimately, it was coming back to and inhabiting fully my body that helped me break through (it always is). In a rage-filled dance of surrender, I released the terror. I faced the fear. I let my life force flow.
My rage is my ally in this work. My Holy Rage. My Power.
My friends, I am sharing this with you because I want you to know it is ok if you are going through hell and back on the inside in service of something greater. I feel you. We are in this together.
I also want you to know this part of my journey, because, friends, I am f***ing breaking through. This is the time. My creative work will soon be what sustains me. I am rising. I can feel it. And I want you to know I am not special. I don’t want you to just see the shiny part where I made it, and think: “Well she must just be lucky. She’s different. It’s so much harder for me. I can’t.”
I never want you to think you can’t because its hard for you and it looked easy for someone else. I never want you to give up. I want you to remember this blog post when you are wavering, and let it forge new strength and determination in your heart. Let my grit awaken your grit, and you too will emerge from your inner war, bloody but victorious.
We all have to face our own demons on the way to freedom. None of us gets to skip this part.
Needless to say, it has been an emotional couple of months. I have, however, continued to show up to my commitments, and managed to have some relaxation and fun. I have done what I said I was going to do. I am continuing to slowly decrease my legal work. I have hired a business coach. This month, with her assistance, I am making a sustainable plan.
I will continue to stand firmly in my truth no matter how uncomfortable.
I will rise. I will be free. Just watch me.
The Magick of Mediocre Pizza
After my mother of a multi-month-long-awaited-breakthrough, I took myself and my notebook out for pizza and wine (as you do). Despite that my body was still not 100% recovered, I knew that comfort and familiarity was what it needed more than a “healthy clean meal”. So, I trusted. And it was glorious.
Well, to be honest, both the wine and the pizza were mediocre (I was at a pub), but I was so blissed out from the feeling of being in flow again in my life, that the average nature of the food was lost on me. Everything was magickal. The hazy-yellow pub lights twinkled like stars in a black velvet night sky and… well, you get the picture.
I began writing. First, journaling about my day and the wonderfully mediocre pub fare. And then a little more quickly letting the words emerge through the pen from a deeper place, faster than my conscious mind can follow. Surrendering into the flow:
“I am trusting that this [pizza and wine] is what my body needs. I feel so much more peaceful now. I do not have to give up all of my comforts to succeed. I do not need to force myself to be a certain way. I am allowed to be human. I am allowed to have an ego. I am allowed to succeed. All of the above. Together. In service of each other and the deeper calling of my Soul. Sometimes I forget that it is a conversation. It needs to be a conversation. I can’t dive into my soul’s purpose (divine purpose?) at the expense of my humanity.
DIVINITY AND HUMANITY ARE POLARITIES.
Soul is the paradox that holds it all!!!
Soul is not = to divinity.
Yes. Then what is Soul.
Pure Life Force.
Soul is the truth that encompasses all of it. Soul takes into account your humanity and divinity; it challenges you to embody more aspects of both than you previously have. It does not favour one to the other. It considers the wider impact and consequences of you pursuing one path or another. It guides you from a wholistic place of knowing what is in service of Life. Not only your life, but all Life. It can do this because it is tapped into the energetic frequency of Life.
SOUL IS THE ENERGETIC FREQUENCY OF LIFE.
Wholly ****. I feel goosebumps. Resonating. Soul is the energetic frequency of Life. So good. So, so good.
I forgot how good it is to write with pizza and wine. Those moments where we get glimpses into the mysteries of Life. I may write more on the subject of divinity and soul soon, or it may simply be absorbed into my larger philosophy. All I know is that when I am willing to be with all of it, and I am willing to listen to the deeper Soul Voice within me, I am rewarded with moments like this: moments when a resonance of Truth inhabits my whole body, and it feels absolutely exquisite to be alive. These moments make it all worthwhile, and make me so grateful for the strength and the courage and the grit I have cultivated to get me through the tough times.
I know I have only rounded the corner on the first leg of this mountain I am climbing. There are many more challenging treks ahead, but I feel rejuvenated, and ready.
This life is hard and beautiful, friends. Don’t shy away from one, or you will miss the other. And wouldn’t it be a shame to miss out on stories of liberation, because we were afraid of our stories of pain.
Let us face those sad stories and re-write them. Go on now. Pick up your pen.
Photo Credit: Megan Alcock (http://meganalcockphotographer.com/)