Thoughts On Leaping, Soul Retrieval and Holy Rage
There is a voice in me that has been whispering – over and over, with greater and greater intensity. It says, primarily, one thing: “Are you for real this time?”
“Are You for Real this Time?”
“Well, Are You?”
This voice has been with me since late December, when I began to remember the deeper why I am here.
As soon as the busyness of my legal work dissipated a few days before Christmas, the inevitable truth rose from the depths of my Soul and, once again, made itself viscerally known: the longing ache in my heart; the nauseous swirling in my gut; the blazing hot knowing scorching every inch of my human form.
My vision for the world and my knowing of who I am, what I came here to create, and how I can make a difference for Humanity and the Earth, has changed very little since early 2015 when I first made conscious contact with my own Soul.
It has developed, shifted and grown, but the core of it has not changed: teach people about Wholeness; show people how to release shame and old stories, and help them to cultivate deep awareness and allowance of themselves in the totality of their Humanity and their Divinity – so that the voice of their Soul can emerge; help people to Believe and to access the deep Trust that is required to write a Soul Story; teach the principles of the process through embodied writing; create spaces for surrender to occur.
If anything, my vision has become evermore clear. I have heard the Divine messages. I have experienced it in my body. I understand it intellectually. I long for it in my heart.
The clarity I have around my mission is unwavering. It is my willingness to embrace it that has, over the past few years, been murky and only sometimes there. I have not been ready. My foundation was too weak to support it (me). I have at times retreated in fear.
When the truth arrived yet again this December, I certainly wasn’t surprised. Whenever I pause it is there. I keep myself busy both to support it – to create a foundation upon which my vision can be sustainably created – and to avoid the pain that I am not yet living fully the truth of why I am here.
Four years ago – early 2015 – was the last time I allowed myself to believe completely. I cut my ties with everything familiar, launched myself over the canyon ledge, and risked it all for the exhilaration of the unknown. I lasted nine months, mostly on the wings and good graces of others. I made some strides, and I learned a lot, but, ultimately, my own wings were not ready to carry me. Exhausted and defeated, I crashed hard on the sharp rocks lining the canyon floor.
It has taken me three years to heal from that crash landing. There are still parts of me that have not fully healed, forgiven, and let go. The past is not something we can amputate from our lives, as much as, in times of pain or struggle, we wish it were so.
We do not, however, have to run in the opposite direction from our past forever. We can, once we have healed enough to be grounded, turn around and face it – go back into it, so to speak, and retrieve the parts of us that we abandoned, when the first time around, we bolted, to save ourselves from pain we did not yet know how to hold.
This is the underbelly of a Soul Journey: an ever expanding rememberance and retrieval of the parts of ourselves that were, at traumatic points in our journey, unwittingly left behind.
What becomes possible when you do this Soul Retrieval, is the very thing that was not possible for you last time – gentleness or fierceness, rage or kindness, saying yes or saying no, hatred or love. It is an expansion into your Wholeness – your own version, on your own time.
For me, this time, my truth has arrived with a grounded message that it time to turn around and go back into the canyon I crash landed in in August 2015 so that I can retrieve the part of my Soul that I did not have access to last time: My Rage.
It is time for me to retrieve the Holy Rage that would have had me set the boundaries I needed to make what I was creating sustainable; the Rage that I have suppressed since I was knee high and old enough to understand from the world around me that the expression of anger, especially in a woman, was wrong, unsafe, and bad.
There is little scarier (and to be honest, more exhilarating) that I can think of than embarking on a journey of recovering my Rage. That is why I know I must do it. It is time.
So, in these early days of the New Year, I have turned to face my past. I have looked headlong into the canyon and launched myself over the edge. I am diving into its depths to be reunited with the gifts I left behind.
In doing so, I am also leaping, in a new way, into a future, that was not possible the last time I found myself ready to spread my wings and leave the solid ground.
“Are you for real this time?” the voice whispers.
And I laugh and say, “I always was.”
p.s. What Soul Journey are you diving into in 2019? Look for the deeper thread, the underbelly...
Photo Credit: Megan Alcock (http://meganalcockphotographer.com/)