Van Life, Dreams, and Looking Back on 2019
“Let’s convert a van into a camper,” he said, “and go on a big adventure around B.C. It will give us an idea of where we most want to settle down.”
“That sounds fun,” I said, not entirely believing it possible.
“I could build it,” he said. “I’ll just look up some videos. It’ll be easy.”
“Ok, sure,” I said, still hesitant. How can I believe in the viability of an adventure, I thought, when my adventures have often fallen short of the dream in my heart?
Maybe he will forget about it, I thought. Ideas die if you leave them alone long enough. I know this, because I have in the past dismissed my own ideas that seemed too reckless.
That was early 2019.
He didn’t forget. He started researching. He started sharing his ideas with me for where we could go and how we could do the conversion.
I started getting excited in between the cynicism my mind continued to spew. I began planning things out too. My excitement grew, and in early November, we fully committed, bought the van and converted it. By mid-December we were off on our first adventure (to Manitoba for a month over Christmas through the mountains in -20C weather!).
And so has gone most of my 2019.
A dream dared to make itself known (going on this grand camper-van adventure; looking for property to make a home, leaving my law firm; launching my new WYSS courses; shifting my primary focus and energy to my business).
All year my inner pessimist tried with all its might to beat my dreams back down. I took a few steps. I saw some progress. My excitement grew and gave me the courage to keep going despite my fear. I doubled down on my commitment to my soul’s desires, and then I leaped.
From the outside it probably appears like 2019 was a year of epic change and courageous adventure for me. In a way it was. Yet in my heart I know the greatest change and adventure is yet to come.
2019 was simply the year I said yes. It was a year of choosing the course and setting the stage for the transformation that I most deeply desire: a more liberated and grounded expression of my passion.
2019 was a year of “returning to the beginning”.
2019 took me back to square one.
Back to that existential question “WHY” that hit me like a truck in early 2013; the question that prompted me to start a business and this blog.
2013 has been on my mind a lot this past year.
In February 2013 I launched my first creative baby, Trash Your Stress. I held a number of workshops for young lawyers on reducing stress and creating lives that they loved, and even flew out to law schools in Ontario to motivate young law students. I wrote over 75 blog posts between late February 2013 when I first started my blog, and the end of 2013. I wrote numerous letters applying for funding. I reached out to every contact I had who might possibly be interested in helping me get my message out. I applied to the Law Society for professional development status on my workshops (at the time wellness was not approved for credits – now it is). I cold-called 100s of people. I networked incessantly. I put myself and my mission out there in every imaginable way, despite that I was often rejected, thought ridiculous, or ignored.
I was so full of passion in 2013. So full of ideas and courage, and hope. I embarked on new projects and adventures with abandon. I allowed my excitement to carry me forward through many challenges. I faced many fears. In addition to launching my Trash Your Stress blog and business, in 2013 I worked part time as a lawyer, released myself from the grips of an eating disorder, and began a new romantic relationship.
What I achieved in 2013 was incredible and, if I am honest, I’m not sure I have hit that level of external achievement in any year since (at least in getting my message out in my business).
In many ways, in 2013 I was also naïve. Back then, my expectations for myself and my business were out of proportion with reality (and therefore I was left feeling like I had not accomplished ‘enough’), even though by most people’s standards I had knocked it out of the park. My passion was ungrounded. I often burned myself out working too long and too hard without taking time to fill my own cup.
By the end of 2015 I had burned myself out completely, and crashed, hard as I watched my dreams crumble.
By mid-2016, I had hung up my passion like it was an old coat, closed the closet door, locked it, and hid the key.
I have no more use for my passion, I told myself then. All she is good for is making me naïve and hopeful, burning me out, and breaking my heart.
It took me three years to find the key to that closet and be willing to open the door.
That’s what 2019 was about.
I opened a door. I faced my fears. I looked deep within myself and began to dismantle the self-protection I had put in place to deal with my heartbreak: essentially shutting down, and giving up. I received guidance and encouragement from my ancestors as I began to navigate and heal the intergenerational trauma that kept me in the loop of playing small. I put in place the structures that would require me to become the woman who keeps her heart open and keeps her voice strong in the face of the possible heartbreak and fear that comes with launching a creative business.
I committed to my dreams. I stepped over the edge. I cut the cord.
In 2019 my soul voice was honest, blunt and in my face hard. I found the courage to listen.
2019 was the catalyst.
2020 will be the year that I reclaim my full passion and voice.
It is time. There is no turning back.
I have launched myself over the ledge. I am hurtling down the mountain slope. Will I navigate the obstacles with grace and determination? Will I land the next jump? Will I humble myself enough to do what it takes to succeed? If I fall, will I get back up?
It is time to put my healing to the test.
It is no longer enough that I have opened the door to my passion.
It is time to put on the coat.
See you on the slopes!
Xo,
Danielle
p.s. For those of you who have been asking, van conversion videos are available on my social media platforms - links below!!
Facebook: Update #1 (insulated), Update #2 (walls and ceiling in), Update #3 (90% finished), Update #4 (finished version after our trip to Manitoba).
Instagram: Update #1 (insulated), Update #2 (walls and ceiling in), Update #3 (90% finished), Update #4 (finished version after our trip to Manitoba).