Conflict, Cancel Culture, and Creating a More Beautiful World

I am a healer, not a fighter.
I make peace, not war.
But I do it by avoiding conflict,
which doesn’t get me very far.

This little jingle popped into my head yesterday as I was walking home. It’s getting kind of annoying. Partly because I can’t get it out of my head, and partly because it’s true.

Conflict has been on my mind a lot lately.

It seems that, try as I might, I can’t avoid it. In the past few years, conflict, and the discomfort it stirs in me, has been a core challenge in everything my soul has called me to create and to do.

I have never been one to seek out conflict. For most of my life, I have done whatever it takes to avoid it, including compromising my values, my integrity and my self-worth. Conflict has been showing up more and more in my life lately, in part because I have become less and less willing to compromise myself in these ways. But that was not always the case.

I learned from when I was very little that conflict kills relationships. As long as the conflict remains small enough, it can be covered up and the relationship can survive by pretending it doesn’t exist. However, as soon as the conflict bursts open and there’s no way to hide it, the relationship is over. I go back to my life, you go back to yours, we pretend nothing happened, and we never speak again (or if we do, it is superficial).

Until a few years ago, I felt like the only options for life were to either be alone, or to be in relationship where I can only be myself to the extent I do not conflict with the other person, or group.  So that is how I lived: alone, or with others hiding parts of who I am and what I believe.

I am not shaming or blaming myself here. (I used to, but I am practicing putting that bat down.) Avoiding conflict at the expense of integrity and authenticity is not only culturally acceptable, it is encouraged.

We are repeatedly fed messages that it is better to blend in than to stand out. (As an aside, blending in does not necessarily mean being quiet; if everyone is shouting about something you should be too.)

Don’t stir the pot. Be nice. Be quiet. Be polite. Be politically correct. Don’t be offensive. Don’t go against the grain. What are you trying to prove? Are you stupid, or naïve? Are you simply an asshole? Stop, you’re embarrassing. You should be ashamed of yourself. No one wants to hear your crazy thoughts.  

Worse than that, is the silent shaming, the judgment-filed glances and the whispers behind backs: “Guess what so and so said/did? Can you believe it? How dumb can she be?”

We now even have a thing called “cancel culture” where someone can be socially obliterated (at huge cost to both personal and professional life) for saying or doing the wrong thing.

As much as we like to pride ourselves on being independent, we all need to belong. If saying or doing something might threaten our sense of belonging, we will think twice before we say or do it.

I have silenced myself and squeezed myself into boxes more times than I can count for that very reason, at huge cost to my own mental and emotional health.

Over the past seven or so years of personal transformation, I have found ways to express my truth, and to go against the grain, many times, in the face of my fear of conflict.

Yet, here I find myself at the table dining with the same old foe.

So, what is the answer? Is it for me to simply toughen up, and get better at being okay with the possibility of being disliked, judged, rejected, or even “cancelled”?

Yes, of course, it is. There is more room for me to face my fears and to grow.

I also believe I’m not alone in feeling like the stakes are higher right now.

Systems are unraveling. Change is being thrust upon us. People are afraid, distrusting and on edge. Tension is in the air at all times. Saying or doing something offside is like adding gasoline to an already lit fire.

There are two default ways that people respond to this kind of environment of the unknown. People like me, who’s default survival strategy is flight (or freeze) will silence themselves, pull back and stop sharing. And people who’s default survival strategy is fight, will start shouting aggressively, and get defensive in the face of anyone who disagrees.

Neither approach is wrong, but neither is helpful if we want to create something different than what already exists.

Recently, I got really sick of staying quiet, so I gathered up my courage and I started sharing about what I believed. I noticed that as I did, I began to feel more and more righteous, and my defenses went up the moment people challenged me. I didn’t like how that felt or who I was being.

I retreated. Partly, because it’s my default, and partly because I could feel that my shouting would not help me to make a difference any more than my silence.

So, how do I show up differently?

How do I speak up, and stay engaged, but not dig my heels in and fight?

This is what I have been sitting with.

One thing I noticed that stays the same for me, both when I am silent and when I am shouting, is my heart. It remains closed. When I am silent it is closed to the heartbreak and the rage that I feel about the injustice in the world. But when I am shouting, my heart is closed to the impact I have by launching my pain into the world.

Another thing I noticed that stays the same is my fear of being with conflict. In both scenarios, it is running the show. I am either avoiding it by not saying anything, or avoiding it by defending my position so hard I am essentially “cancelling” anyone who disagrees with me. In neither case am I willing to be with the tension of conflicting opinions, ideas or thoughts.

I have been thinking about what it would take to truly “be with” conflict. “Being with” in the sense of showing up to the conflict with my whole being: head, heart, body and soul.

Over the past few months, this is what I have been practicing.

I have been practicing keeping my heart open when someone challenges something I say or do. I have been reminding myself that my belonging is inherent, and not something that is bestowed upon me by family, friends, lovers, or groups.

I have been practicing remaining present in my body when my anxiety starts to rise, and resisting the urge to “make peace” at the first hint of a fight.

I have been practicing trusting the wisdom of my soul that knows it is only in standing in the discomfort of our differences that we can sustainably transform this world.

It has not been easy. I have come leaps and bounds from how I used to show up (or, rather, not show up) in times of conflict, but I still have a ways to go to rewrite my defaults of peacemaking and avoidance.

I will keep practicing, though, because I do believe that finding a way to deal with differences and disagreements outside of apathy or attack, is integral for humanity if we want to create a more beautiful world for ourselves, and all life.

xo,

Danielle