Holding it All

I am writing my life, to write my life.

I declared these words to myself seven years ago looking out at the ocean from the Granville Street Bridge.

My next journey is holding it all. I declared this too, not really knowing what the journey would entail, just knowing it was mine to walk.

I am on it. Still. That I know. Will I ever arrive? I can’t be sure.

Just like I can’t be sure that I have arrived at the end of the journey I was on prior to writing my first book in 2015: I am Enough.

There are still moments, when I come face to face with that old wound. The healing continues on new layers. But that is not what I am here, writing about, today.

I am here to write about Holding It All.

What that means to me now, some years into the journey is different than I thought it would be when I started out.

Let me tell you this: it is harder than I thought, and richer.

There is less time for escape into magical realms, yet, somehow, more magick in the every day life I am living.

I still struggle with the three Rs: responsibility, resentment, and rejection. I still have deep emotions, and moments of doubt.

But I am getting good at choosing my engagement points.

I am doing it - Holding It All. I am getting there - if there is a there.

I am holding many things: a legal career, a retreat-like property, the romantic relationship I always wanted, an upcoming wedding, a dog, friends, regular bonfires on the weekends, and a condo that is mine, with the responsibility of a mortgage. A beautiful life. A beautiful little family. Interesting work. A paradise to retreat to.

I have in recent months been doing less writing, and running. Things do come in cycles, I know.

What do I want?

It is not what I thought I wanted. That much I have learned on this journey.

It has been humbling.

I have learned that the spotlight is not what I was craving. I don’t want the responsibility of being on display. Nor is a deeply spiritual existence, where I escape the drudgery of normal everyday existence. A part of me does still wants to be special - to make a change for the better in this crazy world.

People tell me I am already doing it. Just by being in the legal profession, and carving out a path that works for me, I am already creating a change to the system. I am making a change for the better just by being true to my own soul, in a world where most follow external guidance.

Is that enough? Can I be ok with that subtle behind the scenes difference?

My ego gets up in arms some days.

Most days, though, it is enough. I am enough, as I am.

I am at peace, because I am aligned. While I have made some decisions the past couple years that appear conventional, it is not because I have given up on my soul path.

To the contrary. I am accepting that my truth is not to reject the old way, and create a new world. It is to be me, fully, in the world, as it is, and let my inner light ripple out, and spread.

I am also accepting that, while I will not likely be recognized or praised for living my ordinary-yet-soul-aligned life, the silent rewards of my inner transformation and expansion, make the journey one that is worthy of my trust.

So I keep trusting. I keep clearing the ashes and stoking my inner flame. I keep listening inwards as I let my light expand outwards. And I know that right now the path that I am on is the right one for me because my light keeps shining brighter. On some days I burn as bright as the bonfires I light on the weekends (example above ;).

I trust that a time of increased writing, or perhaps other creative work, will come for me again. But even if it does not, I trust that the light of my inner fire will be enough, no matter the task I am engaged in.

My wish for you for 2023 is that you take time to tend to your inner fire. That you don’t forget to listen inwards, before expanding outwards. And most importantly, that you know, that whatever soul journey you are on, your light is making the difference this world needs.

New Year’s blessings to all!

xo,

Danielle