Confidence, Commitment, and Changing My Mind

I’ve changed my mind about a lot of things this year.

And it hasn’t been easy.

My home. My career. My philosophy. My creative work in the world. My beliefs about politics, government, healthcare, and law. My understanding of who I am and the ways I can contribute to the world. All of these things have undergone a revision. A layer of glossy idealism (and escapism, and spiritual bypassing) has been stripped off to revel the raw tender skin of a fresh start.

I feel like a baby learning to walk, but saddled with an adult mind that wakes up every morning believing her chubby little legs ought to run. The result is repeated stumbling, falling and grabbing on to things for support (some helpful, some not).

This is not a pity post. 2020 has been a tough year for many (most? all?).

I don’t feel sad or mad or sorry for myself. I have many times felt those things this year, don’t get me wrong. But those feelings are more surface level than where I am writing from right now.

Embracing the humility of being a beginner is the thing I have been avoiding. It feels good not to be doing that anymore.

It feels good to be where I am at, and to be honest with myself.

I still have trouble being with all of the feedback that comes from being at the beginning of a new chapter. Can there really be so much more to learn? So much I don’t know?

And at the same time can I still be confident in what I do know, and what I do have to share with the world?

It is embracing this duality that is frankly the hardest. I’m comfortable being the student, and I’m comfortable being the teacher. When the roles are defined and its clear that either I know more on the subject, or you do, I am fine. Either way I do not have to risk anything. My ego can stay unchallenged and my heart can stay closed.

It is when I don’t know for sure that I’ve got it, but I confidently try my best anyways, while keeping my heart open to feedback that is constructive - that is where the teacher and the student disappear, and the leader shows up.

So many people speak about this superficially. Be confident. Do your best. Put yourself out there. Be willing to accept feedback. That is how you grow.

Yada yada yada.

Yes. These things are true. And they are f****** hard.

When someone gives me negative feedback on something I’ve confidently said or done, I find it so hard to not take it personally. Either I make myself right and get defensive, or (more likely) make myself wrong and feel stupid and ashamed.

If I am going to be really honest in this post - and I am, because that is what writing is for me: a place where my truth can find its voice - my inability to consistently receive feedback without crumbling is probably the biggest reason why my staying power in my creative and professional endeavors has been short.

Without confidence and a willingness to grow in front of others, real commitment cannot be made.

This is something I have learned in my romantic partnership. Which I am proud to say has been a safe space for both confidence and growth for two and a half years now, and counting.

Saying yes to committed partnership in my romantic relationship is what created the possibility of me showing up as all of me, and for that to be enough. When I had one foot out the door in my past relationships, that was never possible.

The same is true for my career. Since graduating law school in 2010 I have always had one foot out the door. I am saying yes now. I am committing.

I am still in the middle of the transformation instigated by my ‘yes’. I am not yet secure in who I am becoming inside of it.

Every day asks me to give more of myself than makes me comfortable, and every day I face the reality that I am still a beginner. Every day I practice choosing confidence and the willingness to grow. Every day I choose to have faith in myself and in my choice.

Talking about a thing is always easier than becoming it.

I am becoming a person who has the confidence to speak her mind and also change it in the face of feedback that is warranted. I am not yet her every day, but she is in me.

So, I am hereby declaring it.

Leadership is possible within my ‘yes’.

xo,

Danielle