Thoughts on Control, Teetering and Almost-Spring
I am twirling. Whirling. Eyes closed. Arms outstretched. Faster, and faster. The new grass tickling my bare soles.
I am laughing. Involuntarily. Giggles bubbling up my throat like a warm bubble bath. Overflowing. Spilling over onto everything around me.
I am teetering. Out of control. My eyes peek open. Earth and sky warp into each other odd angles. I feel the ground come up to meet me.
I am disoriented. Nauseous. The Earth is damp to the touch. I let out a sigh as I pick myself up. Wet and shivering. Bubbles replaced by fog.
It is still not quite spring.
I keep encountering this part of me that thinks I should know “how”. A part of me that loves to live in the illusion that I have it all figured out. A part of me that wants to play the right cards, at just the right time; to get where I want to go without the messiness of the seasons.
But try as I might to close my eyes early spring and apply the right amount of twirling, I cannot open them into summer.
Nature does not hurry because we are uncomfortable with its process.
There is a delicate balance to be held at this time of year between releasing the old, dreaming the new – and being patient with the process of its arrival.
The seeds you hold in your heart at this time may not bear any resemblance to the beautiful flowers and towering trees they will become.
And so we must trust. We must expand our understanding of “how”, to incorporate the mystery of nature. We must lean into the teetering. We must allow ourselves to be disoriented for a time. We must be with the nausea of not knowing.
There is frustration in this season of not-yet-arriving. And there is anticipation too. Both of these are great sources of energy. Do not throw your energy away by launching full-speed towards blooming, when your bulbs are not yet fully rooted, nor sprouted above the cool ground under which they are just beginning to stir from their slumber.
Plant your seeds with love, and pause.
Be with the uncomfortable alchemical process of nature.
Allow your energy reserves to expand, fill and bubble up to near bursting with the buzz of your anticipation. You will be grateful you held on to your passion when the time for spring birthing and nurturing, and summer blooming and dancing arrives.
The time for you to step out into the world and create the new dreams you are holding in your heart will come. It always does.
And when it does, you will be asked to show up – full-force – in ways you are unsure you are ready to show up. But you will show up. And you will be ready.
It is these in between times that will prepare you.
The alchemical process of nature is working in you right now too.
This discomfort is your transformation. Your tentative messy beginning. Your winter roots are ready to support your new creations and you are beginning to sprout your ideas through the foggy darkness towards the yet unseen sun lit skies ahead.
You might hit a few rocks along the way and need to navigate the darkness around them. Some of your seeds may never make out into the sunny summer days.
You cannot control this birthing process.
You plant the seeds of your dreams. You tend to the soil of your life with love. You keep your heart open with a promise of tending to your soul’s desires with everything you have the moment they poke their heads into the light.
In the mean time you wait. You don't get to control this process. The miracle of nature gets to say, which of your dreams are ready to make it into the light of day.
Do not lose faith. Do not turn away.
This teetering point is uncomfortable, but is necessary. It natural.
It is. The only way.
These are my sweet pea seeds, by the way.
I have planted them along with all of my other dreams – the island home, the love story, my next book, and a platform to share my vision for a more beautiful world. My heart is open to showing up fully to those that are ready to break through the darkness, into the light of this springtime with me.