Partnership, Imperfections and the Magick of Life in All Things
There was a time in my life when I could not have handled any of this.
That time was not so long ago. Six months, a year, maybe. Definitely two years ago I would not have been ready. Despite that I thought I was. Despite that I wanted it. Despite that the longing was there. I was not ready.
I did not trust myself enough to be ready. I did not believe that I was deserving. I did not believe that I was worthy of true devotion or respect. I did not believe I was worthy of being cherished. I did not believe I was worthy of the love story I longed for. I did not believe I deserved a fairy tale, or a true partner in work or in life. And so, I did not know how to offer it to another.
Had partnership showed up on my doorstep two years ago I would have distrusted its sincerity. I would have discounted the value of its humility. I would have manipulated the vulnerability of its love. I would have. And I did.
I was not ready to allow myself, or another, that gift.
I am allowing it now, and it is amazing. It is not because I have figured my shit out that it has arrived. It is not because I have overcome my faults and flaws and imperfections. It has arrived because I know that I am worthy, and I would not accept anything less.
I have simply been down the road of compromising my soul’s longings too many times. I know the cost. I am unwilling to bear it. There is a line that has developed in me. If you cross it, you are done. That’s it. If you do not treat me the way I want to be treated, the only thing left between us is goodbye. I never used to be like this. I had a million chances for everyone. I simply don’t anymore. It must be like this. And it is.
I know I am ready. And yet, in the midst of stepping into this next level of love and partnership, I am realizing just how green I am at showing up as a true partner - at being reliable in my faith and in my word, and at receiving. I am coming up against my old demons. I am reminded every day just how challenging it is to keep being seen, and to keep believing.
It is not just romantic love where these challenges arise - although it is at the centre. The same challenges show up in the deepening towards partnership in all areas. Romance. Work. Friendship. Creativity. Spirituality. Family. Home.
All of our self-sabotaging patterns are revealed in the intimacy of partnership. Their impact is magnified tenfold. A new level of self-mastery is required.
With every stride forward insecurities screech like a broken record. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THIS. YOU AREN’T READY. ONCE THEY REALIZE THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU, THEY WON’T WANT YOU ANYMORE.
Not worthy. Not good enough. Undeserving.
Same old story. Same old wound.
The fear that our imperfections will be our downfall is the greatest lie we have all accepted.
It keeps us from being at peace with who we are. It has us hide parts of ourselves. It forecloses intimacy and love, and prevents us from sharing our creative gifts - some of the greatest joys of being human and alive.
These or similar stories of unworthiness have held me back from being fully seen by lovers, friends, colleagues and the world, for a very long time. I have done a lot of work to dismantle them. They have lost a lot of their power with me. Hiding is no longer where I am at, or who I am.
My life is now on loud speaker. I am not ashamed to be me in all of my beauty and imperfection.
And though the insecurities still whisper, I know they will not win. I believe I am enough. I believe I can trust. I have faith to keep showing up when life gets messy. I have developed the strength to allow the vulnerability that partnership requires.
If you are in my life you get all of me. I don’t keep secrets from those I love anymore. I know I am imperfect. I am a work in progress. And, I am deserving of love and respect just the same.
If you love and respect me in all of my messy humanity, I will love and respect you in yours. And together we will create beauty, as humans have done for centuries - imperfect, together, and believing in the magick of life in all things.