Thoughts on Freedom and the Other Side of Pain
Pillow-pounding rage. A knife to the heart. Shortness of breath. Fists of rage. Seas of doubt. Energies of death and endings and loss. Exhausted collapse into rivers of tears.
Why am I continually going to these places? Wouldn’t it be easier, and wouldn’t I be happier, if I avoided those people and places and situations that I know will cause pain?
Sometimes I wonder these things, and in moments of heartbreak and fear I doubt whether I have chosen wisely in following the voice of my soul as it calls from deep within. Its messages rarely make sense to my rational mind, and acting on them is never comfortable.
I know that all of this emotion could be avoided by simply ignoring that whisper. I would likely have many more markers of traditional success in my life if I did. I would probably be in a nice stable romantic relationship; I might own a home or even have a few kids; and I would most certainly be further along in my legal career. I would feel a lot less, that I know for sure.
Yet I know I could never go back to living from the rational voice in my head. I do not believe the path our culture has taught us to follow is sustainable, and I simply could not put on that show. My insides would be cold and dead, and no amount of busyness could distract me from that emptiness; not even an addiction would do.
Still I wonder, in times where following my truth creates conflict and pain for myself and those I love, is it really worth it to follow my seemingly irrational soul?
And no matter how heartbroken or frustrated or terrified I am, the answer is always: yes.
Yes, I must go there, where I least want to go. Yes, I must say those things, even when I know they will disrupt and cause pain. Yes, I must follow this voice inside me, because it knows the way. This is my truth, my soul. This is the part of me that is connected in to the collective Truth; the soul of the world. This is the part of me that knows the way forward to a more beautiful life, and world.
There is also no avoiding the lesson or the healing my soul points me towards. Denying my truth will only delay and double the pain. I have learned this the hard way many times before.
The other thing I know to be true is that pain is never the point. The point is always love; and wholeness; and beauty; and truth; and the joy that flows freely once I have learned what I needed to learn and healed in me what was ready to heal.
There is nothing more liberating, than finding you are able to stand joyfully in a place inside of you that used to hold pain, but now no longer does, because you have treated it with compassion and love.
Freedom comes from standing more firmly in our truth.
Knowing these things allows me peace. And though I still doubt my choices at times when strong emotion flows through me, I know in these very human moments I can seek out the voice of a friend who understands, to remind me that everything will be okay.
The deeper I go on this journey of following the voice of my soul, the more I find peace travels with me, even through times of fear and pain and loss.
Allowing all of our humanity for the gift that it is, and facing the fire it brings. Living in the freedom of our own truth – this is what is needed for true joy, and the creation of a more beautiful world.